He was not my first love, not my first heartbreak, not my first 2 a.m. conversation, not my first confession, not my first date, neither the first person who drove me home.
But he was my first real love, the first real tingling on my stomach, the first person whom I said his name in between my prayers to God, the first person that knew almost everything about me, and it was he who made me believe that such miracle could exist.
And he was too real to forget, too late to undo.
I knew the true meaning of this word after I met him: a soulmate.
The word which brings you the kind of feeling you have when you just know that he/she will have a special part in your heart, no matter what happens. It could be a best friend, lovers, sisters/brothers, teammates, and so on.
I just realized that I found some of my soulmates in my junior and senior high school, and of course, some of my college-mates. We didn’t talk every day, but when we did, it was just so familiar as I felt no gap, no awkwardness, no hesitation.
Picking things that we were left off was very easy. You have one too, don’t you? Even though you don’t, it’s okay, you actually have some, but just haven’t met them yet.
When I was with him, I felt like everything happened for the right reasons. Everything felt so easy that it fell into the right places.
Whenever my brain started to think about him, he texted me. Whenever my heart decided to call out his name, he always appeared everywhere. It was almost like, we were deeply connected in a strange way by the universe.
But then, when everything started to get real, I showed him the real me; the real anxiety that always hit me in the middle of the night, the creep inside of me even when the sun shines so bright.
I was getting stupid to put my heart at the top of our transparent hands. And let it fell hard on my dark shadow. I was so greedy to feel safe, special, and steady.
I asked him to own him, and I did, But it wasn’t working out the way we’ve wanted. So, I ended up losing him.
After I decided to dig my own grave in the ocean of tears, suddenly I found a song called, “A Soulmate Who Wasn’t Meant to Be”, which simply described how our relationship was.
A soulmate—I know he always is. But we just didn’t mean to end up with each other. Sad ending the way we expected it, wasn’t it? The way life works as it is.
So after a long fight between my logic and my own feelings, now I can safely say that I set him free. I set my heart free.
I never know about what will happen later, but it’s not about later, it’s about now. Right now, I will focus on dealing with my own shades of feeling and my gratitude towards The Owner of my life, almost like I used to be, before I met him.
Now I found myself smiling whenever I replay those memories. No more heartaches, no more what-ifs, no more waiting, and no more anxiety when I’m around him. I learned my lesson.
I miss those memories, I won’t deny. All those beautiful nights, all those random and meaningful conversations, all those texts, all those “Are you free? Let’s meet up!”, all those trains or car rides, all those hugs and of course all those songs that we sang at the top of our lungs.
Whenever I replayed those beautiful moments, I always end up with a smile and a little inaudible thank you, to the person who used to be my everything.
Losing someone is horrible, it leaves a hole inside your heart and your life, but it’s a part of our life that will happen eventually. After a couple of experiences about losing someone, I learned that I have all the right to deny everything that happened and then cry a river over it. But, it’s not only about that.
Losing someone is also about being brave enough to be open, to look back, and to embrace the feelings of all the memories that you had with them.
Once you recognize all the feelings, it’s easier to decide whether you’ll let this person stay on your good side of memory or the bad side. When you decide where they and their memories belong, you’ll be ready to get up and face the world with the memories that you choose to remember.
The phase of collecting memory will take a lot of time and energy, and choosing the right side of memory will take longer. So, that’s why people said ‘it’s about time’. Your brain and heart decide to finally work together to save you, you just couldn’t see it yet.
So, after you lost the, it’s time to thank them, to let them go, and to do something that is good for you and for them. Take your time, because someday, you’ll reach into the point of letting go.
About the Author:
I am a full-time office worker, and part-time surfer (on the internet). I do some drawing, and writing on my Instagram, but now (maybe) decided to make it as my part-time job. My favorite quotes is “Logically, I can accept it, but emotionally I don’t“. Reach Dinda through her Instagram: